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I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One, by Brook Noel
Download PDF I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One, by Brook Noel
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About the Author
Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and pastoral counselor in private practice in Hawthorne, New York. Brook Noel is a CEO, author, speaker and mom. She has been featured in hundreds of shows and magazines, including ABC World News, CNN Headline News and Fox & Friends. She is the author of The Change Your Life Challenge and several other books.
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Excerpt from Chapter Two: Notes for the First Few Weeks "And people answered the phone for me. And people cooked for me. And people understood for me. My dearest friends cared for me when I didn't care." - Wendy Feiereisen At this moment, in the direct aftermath of losing someone tragically, there is so little anyone can say. We cannot find the words to offer you peace - though we wish it were a gift we could give you. We promise you now that we will give you everything we can to help you make your way through this. We will help you wind a path through the haze, the confusion, and the pain that is gripping at your core. For the first few weeks, do not concern yourself with what you will do, where you will go, or what lies in the future. For now, we ask that you simply follow the guidelines in this chapter. There will be time to cope, to understand, to process - later. Right now, you simply need to take care of you. Treat Yourself as if You Were in Intensive Care You are in the process of going through one of the most traumatic experiences a person can endure. The challenges you have already faced, both physically and mentally, will leave you vulnerable, exhausted, and weak. It is imperative that you focus directly on yourself and on any dependents. Find ways to get your needs met first in these few weeks. In the first week or so you will probably feel stunned and overwhelmed. You may also feel numb or hysterical. Your emotional system shuts down, providing temporary insulation from the full impact of your loss. You will go through the motions; it will look like you're coping well sometimes. In her book, The Worst Loss, Barbara D. Rosof writes, "In shock you may be unable to move or speak coherently; people report that they cannot think. Shock responses may also be active and intense; you may have screamed, or run from the room, or physically attacked the bringer of the news. All of these behaviors are means of shutting down, or distancing yourself from a reality that you do not yet have a way to deal with. As you look back, your behavior may seem bizarre and totally out of character for you. Remember that your entire world had been knocked out from under you. You were in free fall, and your first task was to find any way to stop the fall." When the funeral is over and your relatives and friends have gone home, the shock begins to wear off. It is important not to make any decisions that will have a lasting impact on your life (for example, sell the house, give away the person's belongings, etc.) while you are in shock. Expect to Be Distracted During the first few weeks, your mind will be filled with racing thoughts and unfamiliar emotions. Many people report having difficulty with simple tasks. Losing one's keys, forgetting where you are while driving, and sluggish reaction time are all commonly reported problems. With everything you are mentally and physically trying to process, it's normal to be distracted. Take special caution. Try to avoid driving and other activities where these symptoms may cause injury. Have Someone Near You If possible, choose a close friend to keep near you through the first week or two. Let this person help you make decisions, hear your fears or concerns, and be the shoulder for you to lean on. Give them a copy of this book. Later, as you move through the grieving process, it will be very helpful to have someone who has "been there" and understands thoroughly what you are talking about. Accept the Help of Friends Our energy is so depleted in the first few weeks after loss, it's hard to even ask for help. We have included a handout at the end of this chapter that can be photocopied freely and given to your inner circle of friends and relatives. You may be reluctant to do this, but please do. Even if we don't think we need people right now, we do indeed. Brook shares her story of friendship . . . "When I lost my brother, my friend Sara was my anchor. I never asked her to come over that evening but as soon as she heard, she came (even though I told her there was nothing she could do). She simply sat next to me. Then she went upstairs and packed my bag for the upcoming week. She hugged me when I needed it and sat in the other room when I needed to be alone. To this day, her warm presence brings tears to my eyes. It was an extension of love and caring like few I have known." If, like Brook, you are too grief-ridden to ask for help, simply show friends this book and let them read these few pages so they have an idea of what you need and how to support you. Friends want to help, but they rarely know how. The cycle of your grief will be more bearable when you hold the hand of a friend. Reach out. The following two entries summarize beautifully what those who face grief need from the people around them. "I'll cry with you," she whispered "until we run out of tears. Even if it's forever. We'll do it together." There it was . . . a simple promise of connection. The loving alliance of grief and hope that blesses both our breaking apart and our coming together again. Molly Fumia, Safe Passage Needed: A strong, deep person wise enough to allow me to grieve in the depth of who I am, and strong enough to hear my pain without turning away. I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again, but who does not fear my darkness. Someone who can point out the rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me. Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning and believe in a rainbow. Fr. Joe Mahoney, Concerns of Police Survivors Newsletter (This is excerpted from a beautiful book on grief titled Forever Remembered: Cherished messages of hope, love and comfort from courageous people who have lost a loved one. Compendium Publishing.) Caring for Your Children If you have small children, contact friends and relatives to help you care for them. Consider having someone stay with you for the specific task of caring for your children, since some children may be further traumatized by separation. In Chapter Nine we cover the specifics of children and grief. While it is human nature to want to help and care for others, we must understand at this trying time we will barely have enough energy to care for ourselves. Even if we want to help those around us, we won't have the resources. It's in our best interest to allow this time for our own grief. Someone to Take Calls and Check Email If the person who has died is of your immediate family, you will be receiving many phone calls, visitors, and cards. Have a friend come by to take messages, check emails, answer the door, and answer the phone. Most callers do not expect to speak directly with the family but simply wish to express their condolences. Have someone keep a notepad handy to record the names and messages of callers. Be forewarned, occasionally you may receive a strange call or a strange card. Brook once took a message from a caller who offered condolences for the loss of her brother and then in a second breath requested a current picture of her daughter. Pam remembers a caller who said, "I'm sure George's death was easier for you, because you were divorced after all." These thoughts and comments are inappropriate and can be very hurtful, though the caller does not intend them to be. In our society, we just don't know how to handle grief and loss. People cope with grief differently - many people don't know how to cope at all. When you think of it, our world is geared toward gaining and acquiring; we have few lessons on how to handle loss. Occasionally people will ask a strange question or perhaps write a note in a card that seems a bit "out of place." Realize that this is not done to hurt you; these are just people who are inept at handling loss and the thought of loss.
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Product details
Paperback: 292 pages
Publisher: Sourcebooks; Updated ed. edition (May 1, 2008)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 9781402212215
ISBN-13: 978-1402212215
ASIN: 1402212216
Product Dimensions:
6 x 0.8 x 8.9 inches
Shipping Weight: 1.1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.6 out of 5 stars
553 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#3,636 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
After five years having passed since the tragic sudden death of my son, the pain is with our family everyday. It does not get better, it just changes. We have read many books, and attended several grieving groups, with mixed results. Although we have survived the first year, we continue to be told that we have "excessive grief" and have been been told that we need to "get over it and move on". Those of us who suffered this tragedy live in a different world and always will. This is one of the few books that absolutely "gets it".
This is one of the best books I have read surrounding the death of a loved one I have read. I personally have lost10 family members in about as many years and this book helped alot in my life. Have lost children, grandchildren,parents, spouse, nieces, sister-in-law, too many to list. At least one a year since 2010 and some years, 2.This book really helped.
My husband went in for a routine test and ended up dying from it. His death was so sudden and so unexpected that I needed something to help me cope. As a writer I just couldn't find my own words to deal. After reading other reviews on this book I knew I needed to order it. I read a chapter a night and it is helping me to cope and to understand that life does go on. It also helps you to understand there is no time limit on grief and no two people will ever grieve the same. Much thanks to the author
Though my mother was sick for many years, her death completely through me off my center of gravity. I'd always (for reasons unknown) suppressed grief in the past so I found myself lost and dumbfounded without a clue as to how I was going to live in the days that followed without the person who'd been there every single day of my life. I am quite spiritual, though not at all religious; this book made no attempt to shove my nose into a bible and tell me to simply "have faith". It somehow gave me permission to grieve, to be angry, and eventually to heal - all on MY terms, rather than those of sometimes insensitive well-wishers. It also gave me the tools to recognize each stage of grief as it happened so I could deal with myself, so to speak.I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye breaks down the different kinds of grief and offers ways to cope with each in an easy-to-read format. I have re-read it a few times and each time, it provides me incredible solace. My only regret is not having read this book immediately following my mother's passing. Doing so would certainly have enabled me to not struggle so much with the overwhelming sadness, anger, and pain. If you've lost someone you love and even if you're close to someone who did, this is THE book that will help you get through the tough times ahead.
I'm in my twenties, and both my parents passed away unexpectedly. Along with a ton of other support, this book has helped me a great deal. I bought it hoping it would quicken my progress of "moving on" from my overwhelming grief. It hasn't helped me "move on" more quickly, it has shown me that my thoughts and emotions are understandable, justified, and common among people that experience all types of unexpected losses.This book puts to rest questions like, 'Is what I'm feeling normal?'; or 'Is how I'm feeling normal?'What this book revealed to me was how much energy I was using by focusing on my inability to 'recover'. That fear of not being able to "get over it". My self-perceived lack of recovery frightened me from exploring and internalizing the details of the tragedy. The concept of a time-frame for "moving on", the book shows, is unhelpful and unhealthy. There's grief, memories, even searing confusion, but all are a piece to the process. The grief I carry with me, I know it must be directly proportional to my parent's love. Instead of running away from those emotions, I now carry them with me. The memories, even the difficult ones, they belong to me. They are defining moments that help me travel this journey.I felt really lost and disconnected for a while, and this book has been a profound and important part of finding myself again.
This book. I love it so much! It has sections so I usually just find the section talking about what I am currently experiencing. I ordered it about a month after my dad passed.. It has been 9 months now and I just love the book.
My husband died in an apparent accident 6 weeks ago - and overall I have found this book very helpful. I have to say, however, that it overestimates the extent to which someone in this situation can expect help from others. I have certainly received emotional support and practical assistance from friends and acquaintances, for which I am very grateful. At the same time, I have also found that a) many individuals and businesses go out of their way to try to extract money from survivors in vulnerable times like this, and I have spent dozens of hours in the last few weeks fighting off these attempts, and b) as a surviving spouse, I am the only person with the authority to handle most business matters related to my husband's passing - so family members can't help, even if they want to, and c) I am still trying to get the state police to give me basic details of their internal report of what happened - so far, to no avail. A book like this would be even more helpful if it would acknowledge these realities and recommend coping strategies.
This book was given to me by a friend after losing my 13 year old son unexpectedly. It helped me know that what I was feeling was normal. For example, it explained that's it's okay to forget for a few minutes, which I felt so guilty for, because a person's brain can't take it all at once. It has to process more slowly. It also let me know what people grieving need, so I have be a better friend to others suffering. I buy this book for everyone I know who loses a loved one suddenly.
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